the cure for Christmas: Asshole Day.

Posted: 24th December 2011 by traumaturgist in culture

I’ll join the chrorus: I hate Christmas.  Christmas sucks.

Main reason why?  No – it isn’t fighting the urge to run down people who stand in parking spaces at busy malls to reserve them for their friends and family members.  It isn’t waiting in traffic, waiting in lines, rushing to stores to grab that last rave-gadget-of-the-moment before they’re all gone; it isn’t the psychological warfare we wage on ourselves in projecting our relationships on to commodities; it isn’t even the awkward moment of smiling and thanking someone who clearly doesn’t know you giving you a gift that you clearly don’t want or need.

No, my friends and enemies – the reason is far more philosophical, far more fundamental than the perennial nuisances of the holiday season.  It’s the insipid hypocrisy involved with the holidays – the idea, however theoretical, that if we’re nice to people for one day out of the year (maybe one and a half, counting Christmas Eve) then the magic of peace on earth, goodwill to people, kindness, generosity, and understanding will somehow be closer to manifesting between people.  See, the problem is that the whole idea of Christmas needs to be inverted.  The point is quick and simple: instead of Christmas Day, the one time of year where we’re supposed to promote peace and love and all that warm fuzzy stuff, we need to have….Asshole Day.

Now, this isn’t the same thing as National Asshole Day (which is rather stupid and banal compared to what I have in mind);  as the cure for an insipid and hypocritical Christmas, Asshole Day would be the one day of the year we’re complete fucking shitbags to each other – lying, cheating, stealing, taking advantage of one another for all of the usual selfish, idiotic and solipsistic reasons.  The other 364 days of the year we’re as kind and understanding as we can be, sensitive to the fact that we all inhabit the same world yet view it through different lenses; we’re generous, compassionate, thoughtful and cooperative with each other, cognisant of the fact that we are all destined to suffer the same mortal fate someday.  That in mind, we’d be committed to making life as peaceful and symbiotic for each other as possible because we’d realize that when you make the people around you happy, a lot of other things just take care of themselves.

So when Christmas Day rolls around, leave that burning bag of shit on your mother’s doorstep!  You can clean it up the following morning and hug her like there was no tomorrrow.  And then, see, something like heaven might manifest on earth – however briefly, however fleetingly.

At any rate it would work much better than killing trees, buying cheap ornaments and listening to terrible music.  Viva Asshole Day!

  1. Andrew says:

    hahaha this is classic, but also so true

  2. Gio says:

    You. Are. My. Hero.

    I have a feeling my own personal frustrations shall be exhumed simply by reading this blog. Yay

    • traumaturgist says:

      Cool! By the way…sorry about the uber-slow bloggin’ stuff…but like the prog-art-metal band Tool, I try not to release material unless it’s worth releasing. 🙂